1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
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who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
the three branches of government
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.