I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
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announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
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This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Doctors texting each other.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.