I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
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A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
You can’t outrun your problems…
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again