I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
You Might Also Like
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
mood
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Nothing.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”