are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
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I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Carpe DM
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
A little too much information.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*