This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
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Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
This was the best day of my life
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.