Peppa pig = spicy bacon
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Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.