Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice