The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
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I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*