[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
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restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Nothing.
Uh oh…
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.