She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
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Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me