i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
You Might Also Like
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Golf would be better with landmines.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”