My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
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I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
White parent Vs Arab parents
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.