I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
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If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
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when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.