Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
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When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.