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After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
#CatsOnTwitter
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium