Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
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“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
john wicks are toilet candles
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
The old gods are rising again.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something