What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
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Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”