A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Tier 3 meme
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom