PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
You Might Also Like
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.