This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
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Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
This is no longer winter this is harassment
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?