I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
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She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
good morning
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.