Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
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Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Broom by every window for quick escape.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.