Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
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A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*