Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
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My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.