[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
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Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*