Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
You Might Also Like
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.