We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
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My dog after a walk in the woods.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people