Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
You Might Also Like
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
everyone has that one prude friend
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
some cats are just doing for fun!
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”