Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
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“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
There is wisdom there.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Not all heroes wear capes.