Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
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In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am