Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
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I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”