6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
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You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.