“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
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I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Why I divorced her.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
hey, alexa
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
It’s actually Dr. whatever
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?