Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
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I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
#ProTip
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
did it work
Wait a minute
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Lassie, get help!
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”