We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
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Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Word!
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.