My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
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the only bumper sticker ill allow
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
What about second breakfast?
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.