I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
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This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Bobby pin
is it earth
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”