There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
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Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.