I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
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“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
This forever.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg