The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
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mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok