me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
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GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally