The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
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I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.