*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
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My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.