Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
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Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Bros before Ohioes
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Cake safety first. Always.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop