I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
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I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
There is no “we” in chocolate.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
#dnd #ttrpg
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.