Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
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The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same