USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
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[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.