*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
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I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.