[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
You Might Also Like
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.